I lived in Longmont near the hospital for the first three months. My rent was stupid high and I would not have stayed here unless I could get paid a lot more or get my rent a lot lower. I may be staying for comfort but I wasn’t going to sacrifice pay for it. A wonderful nurse I work with offered I come live with her for a fraction of what I was paying in Longmont. I've been living in Westminster, a suburb of Denver, since October. It’s a bit of a commute to work but worth every minute of that drive. Henley’s super comfortable having another body to lie on top of and I love having her around too. There’s a list of benefits of living here (her new Rottweiler rescue at the top of it!) and now it’ll be even harder to leave.
I’m still evaluating my life and career and what I want to do. This is the first time in years that I’m not actively doing something to move forward or at least have plans on how to move forward. It’s a bit scary, like I’m wasting time. But I just don’t know yet. If a future plan involves me going to grad school, I need to be very sure about it. I am not signing up for that shit without being completely confident and excited about the end result.
In my free time while not working towards a future career, I’ve been hiking with Henley and doing yoga almost every day off. I’ve gone to yoga classes sporadically for years, but this is the first time I have an unlimited membership at a studio. Yoga, for me, is part work out and part meditation. I guess I could say the same for hiking. Whether it’s deep breathing on the mat or walking alone in the mountains, it resets and relaxes me.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more anxious. (My previous anxiety level was zero so my new higher level is still low on the anxiety scale.) There’s many variables involved, but it’s probably due to my increasing age and therefore nervousness about getting my shit together, and/or the uncertainty and impermanence of my current work and lifestyle. Regardless of the reason, methods that bring calmness have become more valued. I use mala beads to have a tangible object to find calmness. Essentially, they’ve become a comfort blanket. Also, I’ve found saying mantras to myself are very effective. Whereas with the mala beads I think to myself “Are you really feeling comfort with these? That’s kinda silly,” with mantras there’s no question they make me feel better instantly. Negative thoughts that are eating at me are turned off the second I start internally saying my mantra of choice.
I’ve been learning about human emotions that I need to be more intentional about. Vulnerability and bravery, specifically. Why don’t we learn about this in school? Oh right, there wasn’t time after covering the pythagorean theorem. Priorities! I guess I knew I had to work on these things before, but now they have been defined and identified and makes working on them possible. Writing here on this public platform is great vulnerability practice for me.
I’ve written myself a reminder to go back and reference when I need to know what I’m doing is okay, it’s right for me, for right now, to not worry so much about the future, to accept and enjoy the here and now.
Try repeating a mantra to yourself next time you feel stuck in negative self-talk. These are some of my go-to’s, but I suggest you make them highly personalized for what you need in that moment.
Courage over comfort.
Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen.
Be kind to yourself and be patient.
Where I am right now is exactly where I need to be.
Today is my bitch.
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If you’re interested in learning about vulnerability and its importance in your life, watch Dr. Brené Brown’s TED Talk “The Power of Vulnerability” and read any and all of her books.
