I’m not sure how or why the storm hit today. Maybe I was just tired from a short, restless, drunken sleep on a shared top bunk in a strange house. Sleep deprivation plus a weekend of sensory overload; lovely, but emotional events; and surrounded by beautiful, strong, happy relationships wore me down. I got in the car to leave Leavenworth and I released it all. I cried intermittently through most of Washington and Oregon while I reflected on the week and my life.
This is hard for me; to write on a public platform as if I have human emotions and sadness is a prevailing one. But I have been reading Glennon Doyle Melton, a bulimic/alcoholic turned recovering mom, blogger, and now New York Times best seller. Her openness and honesty is inspiring and I’m trying to take a page from her book.
I have been single for nine years. That right there alone is embarrassing enough to highlight, delete, and write about a fun, dry-eyed drive home instead. I could even lie and say I saw buffalo. But… Glennon. I think it is incredibly important to be able to be on your own, to be capable of taking care of yourself, to feel at peace when you are alone, to be okay with doing things, not just sitting at home, alone. I was, am, very proud of my decision to end a serious relationship to prove to myself that I can do these things. There is a point where I think people need this. Once you graduate from that, you can stay alone if you want it. And I did for a long time. But I have mastered being alone. I certainly no longer need it. And at times, I do not want it either.
I was SO busy during nursing school that I didn’t want to spend my almost nonexistent free time with strangers or trying to get to know someone. Now, I have a lot of free time. I’m also nearing thirty. I have been open to sharing my life with someone else for a while now, but I may have a ridiculous number of boxes that must all be checked so it seems unlikely. I often don’t think about this, I don’t sit around and overanalyze or feel sad or feel jealous around other couples. Until this weekend.
This group of couples, in particular, is what did it I think. And I mean that as the greatest compliment. They seem to me to be such strong, happy, fun-filled relationships. They laugh at each other in the kindest way. They are best friends and partners. Sarah and Niles are the epitome of this and I love seeing them together. Their love is inspiring. Over the course of their relationship, they have made me want a man by my side, a lap for Henley to snuggle in, a dad for future children, a permanent adventure buddy. But it was a long week with so many of these wonderful relationships that the inspiration wasn’t lifting anymore; it was saddening.
There’s more. Community. They have this. These extraordinary people are all Christians and it seems that their community is based on this. I do not have religion and I don’t feel at a loss at all by this, but it does leave me with a lack of community formed in this way. I’m not sure how to get community. It might help if I didn’t move somewhere where I knew no one and didn’t spend most of my time alone. I have always known Sarah to value community and find it wherever she goes and I have admired this, but in a way that I found it interesting. I had never thought about community for myself and didn’t necessarily feel that it was important. But again… the compiling of factors of this weekend. Suddenly community feels extremely important and I do not have it at all. I have a few good friends in Denver. I really like the people I work with. I still do not feel part of a community and I don’t see it happening in Denver. Did I have a community when I lived closer to friends and family? Did I have one growing up in a small town? Or did I not feel the need to have one because I was in a small town? I have so many questions.
At this point, I sure as hell didn’t feel like road tripping and exploring new places. I skipped all of my plans for the trip home, entered Denver into the GPS, and started driving the shortest route, not caring where that was. And here’s another thing. I didn’t even want to be going to Denver. It doesn’t feel like home. I either wanted to go to my real home (Massachusetts) or really at the time, I wanted to go to Seattle. I didn’t want to leave these people that made me feel like I had the possibility to have these things I wanted. Also, because Seattle is a rad city and better than Denver and I kinda want to move there.
It’s now been some time since my emotional break in Washington and I feel better. Feeling emotionally stable, however, has not changed my desire for these things. I feel that my life is missing something, but honestly, I don’t think I’m about to run out and look for it. It may be laziness, but I think more likely, it’s fear.
I planned on travel nursing after my contract is up in Denver. I planned to travel alone to places where I know no one. I’m planning to continue my life in the exact same way it is now, but actually to a higher degree because I’ll be on these assignments for about thirteen weeks. That’s not enough time for me to make friends and I can certainly say see ya later to the community idea.
I don’t know what to do. I just have to trust I will figure it out. Someday.
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