After my last post I got a lot of messages checking on me. This is incredibly sweet. It also made me realize I sounded a bit depressed. And desperate. So this is a much needed, clarifying, follow-up post.
I was a little emotional when writing the last post but, I do believe in everything I said. However, and this is important, I do not usually sit around moping that I do not have a boy friend, I’m lonely, and I hate Denver. Actually, the opposite is much more often true. I go between wanting to actively date and wanting to be on my own (but open to passively finding love). Ninety percent of the time it’s the latter. I am excited to travel nurse, and hopefully work abroad to really fulfill dreams, even though it might make me more alone than I am now. Really, I’m quite lucky to not have anything holding me down so I can do all of these things. It would get complicated if I had to think about someone other than myself and Henley, and being a single mom is enough on my plate.
I have chosen this independent road and I do not regret it. I do not regret moving to Denver, nor do I hate it here. It’s not the place for me to stay forever, but I’m going to enjoy it while I’m here. I want to enjoy everything I have while I have it. That includes being on my own. Because there will be a day that I’m having a hard time compromising — he wants a healthy meal, I want pizza; he wants to go out, I want to stay in; he wants to keep hiking, I want to camp for the night — and I’ll think (and say out loud to myself without regard for someone else hearing) “Remember how good it was when you were single?”
This brings me to my second point. I am willing to change my mind about all of this. We are ever-changing and I embrace that. I want to travel, but I may find on the first assignment that the quick turnaround is not for me. Or maybe I find a place I love and don’t want to leave. I am willing to stay in one place, if I find a place that tells me to stay. If I find a person to do life with, I may have to make compromises, which will change everything. I’ve heard that’s what you do in relationships. I don’t want to trap myself now in “definitely”s and nothing is written in stone. Fear of commitment? Sure. But I’m also going to stick with that “we’re ever-changing” thing.
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Hygge. Are you familiar with this word? Pronounced hoo-guh, it is a Danish concept, a little word that means a lot. Here is one definition:
The art of building sanctuary and community, of inviting closeness and paying attention to what makes us feel open hearted and alive. To create well-being, connection and warmth. A feeling of belonging to the moment and to each other. Celebrating the everyday. Hygge happens when we commit to the pleasure of the present moment in its simplicity. It’s there in the small rituals and gestures we undertake to give everyday life value and meaning, that comfort us, make us feel at home, rooted and generous (hygge.co).
I came across this idea on a blog post called “How to Hygge: or 29 ways to actually enjoy winter” (yesandyes.org). I still think about it frequently and fully believe in the concept. I like taking something ordinary and making it special. I feel it when it’s raining out and I make tea and read. I feel it every time I light a candle. When I’m bored, feeling pessimistic about where I am or what I’m doing, or just disliking the gloomy weather, I try to go into hygge mode. I do something intentional.
After I complained about not wanting to come home to Denver, I felt bad and I walked around the city just looking at street art. We have some phenomenal street art. Ever since moving here I’ve been trying to hike in different places. I have a few favorites I revisit, but for the most part, I go to a new place each time. I will continue to do that and explore this gorgeous state. Don’t wait for a special day. Make every day special. Hygge.
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We need to live in the present. We can’t wait for life to start once something else happens. I’m not waiting to be happy for when I meet a certain person and live in a certain place. Right now is good. Everything is good and I’m happy.
Anyway, my point is… I am okay. I’m great.
Run wild until you find someone just as wild to run with.
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